5 month bender...

there's no doubt that i overcompensate.  for what?  everything.  intellect.  tolerance.  consumption.  wealth.  ambition. etc.  i hide too much . i don't even know who i can even divulge myself to anymore.  which is kind of why i like the fact that i have a roomate.  even if i don't say anything.  i get the feeling that the roomie is intuitive to the actions of me.  the reaction of the action.   it's funny.  and gracious.  and im grateful.  and its not that i've been on a 5 month bender.  it's more accurately a 3 year bender.  a bender of habits. drinking habits of course.  habits developed from loneliness.  confusion.  and stress.  im sorry to a lot of people.  im thankful for a lot of people.  im insensitive to a lot of people.  i want to hug a lot of people.  i want to smile at lot of people.  and i want to be closer to a lot of people.  sorry sorry sorry.   mom and dad and sis first.   then.  lets not divulge.  there are people i want in my life for the long term.  and i don't know how to make it work.  i think i work harder with obligation.  with relationship.  with someone i want to work for.  i dont respect myself.  i want to respect myself through someone i want. 

whoa....wrote this wasted a few nights ago....just re read this.  ok it's going public.