the maturity of my emotions as of late is not just growing up, not just wanting a substantial companion, not just being more responsible, it's that the reality of consequence is now a very real theme. firstly...divorce is one topic that i haven't been able to understand yet. i'm formulating theories and noticing trends....and secondly mortality. it's not just old age catching up with people i so dearly care about, but its health concerns of my peers. of youth. of the children of my peers. while i find myself continually getting facials and noticing other peoples complexion, while i'm being judged on my weight and appearance, i realize that a healthy set of 10 fingers and 10 toes are continually forgotten as a gift of life. the real and most important aspect to a person...because 沒有身體就沒有一切。 and it was a coincidence lewis and lisa happened to be in la the same weekend. but with their wedding being the catalyst for us...it was a perfect time to hang with them for the weekend. even i was amazed by my ability to double date. at my ability to enjoy it. at my ability to be openly loving and openly watching 2 others blissfully in a bubble of each other....
i didn't believe the news until i saw the stitches. and even when i saw the stitches, my heart froze for a second. my eyebrows furrowed with confusion and i made a frown. my brain scurried frantically searching for a way to make sense of it and when it couldn't grasp what was going on, it passed the emotions onto my contingency department, aka my liver. i put the smile back on, the drinks lined up and an amazingly beautiful day in sunny california ate up much of the dermal angst....
drink a little. catch up a little. i talk a lot. i'm a dradle of brain activity spinning every which way tottering within the physics of centripetal force and when the spinning stopped...i had to face reality..."so, when did you find out? it's been there the whole time? how were u feeling up to that point? and it's only been 14 days? where's mom?? u told mom that night? and wait....when's the procedure? so where's the cut? and where is the tumor? and where's the scar? and where are they going in from? and how long? and how about afterwards? radiation? and how about other parts of body? and work? and and and...." it was basically a brain fart of asking as many questions as i possibly could in a short amount of time to get the basics out of the way to then go back to the jokes..."OMG, u have a handicap sticker? i want it!!". because as much as you joke about it, the reality really kicked in when i asked what were the risks....and lisa responded..."memory loss.....wait...i don't want to talk about it"
and so you sit there and watch this couple, who are the corniest cheesiest most compatible best friends on the planet be not just strong but laughing, kicking and living. we sat there happy watching them. we were brought together by their hands in marriage the first time. and although i may not have felt it at the moment, it's in hindsight that maybe its their contagious optimism that bled straight into us...
"i like how they are friends....best friends" - jyk
honestly, lewis looked exhausted. not just from the logistics of doing the things for his loved one, but from the hurt...from the stress...from the what ifs....he was probably too busy to think about the emotions but they were definitely eating at him. at his sleep, at his smile, at the oxygen around him, at the gravity beneath him. truths of this world...lisa was so strong. if i wasn't good at looking at a chess board and the position of the pieces...u wouldn't sense the fear...but to me...for lisa, it's in the eyes, it's in the head tilt....and well, when i saw it, i knew it. so i do what i do best. focus on the moment, drain the conversation into a different direction. focus on the now. focus on the next round. and that's what i do best. i'm good at avoiding the topic. focus on the now. and well...we toasted to her "handicap sticker" which i openly said i wanted to steal.
we had lunch the next day. and then we had dinner. we had an awesome dinner. we ate soup! what we had been wanting for 2 days. and and and....and we pray for them. godspeed....luv you both.
girls just wanna have fun...
