this morning was the first time out of my apt since after friday nights debacle. i may have stepped out into the hallway one time to throw away some trash. but other than that i hibernated in 600 sq ft of studio. sleeping, ordering food, watching tv, sleeping, eating...that's all i did. i've gone through a good season of worrying and losing sleep, which i used to just drink thru, but ever since coming back from asia, i've found that instead of losing sleep, i'm sleeping a lot more, which has definitely fueled a sort of depression state. a worry wart state of mind flux. where i just dont have enough hours in the day to do all the things that i want to do.
most of the mood reflects on the details of work. the rest, are probably by products of how i deal with my work stress. and whatever y'all may read into my online personna whether here or on the facebook is only as accurate as i've specifically detailed to you which to the public sans 3 or 5 of you, you have no idea. so it's all somewhat contradictory and at some point somethings going to give? but as i realized after friday night, the real essence of everything just revolves around being happy, about myself having a good time, and being that care free whimsical person. if there is any good reason for me not to be, and i take that path that's not a natural me, then it in the end is a fail nonetheless. i can't live with my francoise dillinger...so just let me be me and let me be good enough.
"Sheeni says she will wait for me and that when I'm released we'll finally be together and free and I believe her. I can feel in my heart that Sheeni is in love with me, not with some fantasy lover in a French romantic novel but me, Nick Twisp. It's funny, after all that, Nick Twisp was enough.
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