for tpak and peas
from bill simmons' mailbag....
Q: What the ... your buddy JackO is getting married? And you
chose to just drop that on us with absolutely no set-up? I don't know
where along the line of listening to the podcasts, I developed my fake
relationship with JackO, but I did. I was psychotically 100 percent
sure that we would have a chance meeting where he would be really
impressed that I knew who he was, and we would get married. I'm really
disappointed. In both him getting married and my life in general.
-- Claire, Atlanta
SG:
You know how women fall in love with serial killers, write them letters
and eventually marry them even though they're on death row and can't
consummate the marriage? Suddenly, that seems a little less strange.
Q: Is it possible for a heterosexual woman to have a man-crush on a guy? What would you call that? I have a man-crush on you.
-- Michelle, Atlanta
SG:
OK, what's going on in Atlanta? Do we need to send some more men with a
sense of humor between the ages of 25 and 40 down there? To answer your
question, a heterosexual female cannot have a man-crush on a
heterosexual male. It's just a crush. You might rationalize it as a
man-crush, but deep down, you want to jump my bones. Of course, you
live in Atlanta, so apparently any female fits that category. I think
Atlanta is the new San Francisco -- just horny, successful, fun-loving
women looking for love and questioning their self-esteem on a daily
basis. I feel totally comfortable making that generalization after two
e-mails.
Q: I read your comment in the last mailbag about women in Atlanta
being horny, successful and fun-loving, looking for love and
questioning their self-esteem. Although you made that assessment after
just two e-mails, after living there for eight years, I can say that
you're on the money. If you're a heterosexual male going through a dry
spell, forget about Vegas and make your way to the ATL. Their
advertising tag line should be, "Come to Atlanta where the nookie is
plentiful and free."
-- Michael, Columbus, Ohio
SG: One more before we tackle this subject …
Q: I've lived in both D.C. and Atlanta. In Atlanta, college sports
and the SEC still run the show; people just don't care about pro
sports. On the other hand, do you like a skewed male-to-female ratio,
hot Southern blondes in sundresses who can go whiskey for whiskey with
you, possess a shocking amount of football and basketball knowledge,
bring the thunder in the sack and have no problem (wait, DEMAND) eating
massive amounts of fried food and/or pork products the following
morning? Because if that's not your thing you should spend more time in
D.C. I've been here two months. It's rainy, there are no college
sports, but there are a lot of museums. So I've got that going for me.
(Frantically looking for jobs in Atlanta.)
-- Adam, Washington
SG: So there you go. If you're a guy in your 20s or early 30s,
move to Atlanta. Glad we settled that. And while we're here, with the
college application season wrapping up, allow me to make my annual case
for everyone to apply to warm-weather schools. Don't spend four years
in cold weather. There's no reason. Go south, go west, but go. And if
they have a good sports team, even better.
I know people who attended the following schools: Pepperdine, the
University of California at Santa Barbara, USC, UCLA, Rollins, North
Carolina, Arizona, Arizona State and the University of Texas. Here's
how many of them regretted their choices: Zero. Meanwhile, the majority
of my friends attended cold-weather schools … and only a handful of
them would travel down that same road again. Again, why spend four
years of your life in cold weather when you don't have to do it? And
why pick a college with crummy sports when you don't have to do it?
Beyond everything else, remember this above all: It doesn't matter
where you went to college as much as what you did when you got there. I
have successful friends who went to every type of school; I even have
successful friends who never graduated from college. So don't stress
out about it, expand your horizons, don't be afraid to take a chance
and please know that I'm telling you this only because I wish somebody
had told me.
One last thing: Don't go to Princeton. I'm still waiting to meet my
first Princeton grad that I might like. I am like 0-for-79. Princeton
grads carry themselves like bad guys in a sports movie. Remember the
scene in "Pretty In Pink" when James Spader ordered his two henchmen to
beat up Andrew McCarthy because he didn't approve of McCarthy's poor
girlfriend? There's no question that Spader's character went on to
Princeton, just like there's no doubt Johnny Lawrence went to Duke.
Neither hypothetical situation is up for debate. Just for the hell of
it, here's where I think other movie characters went to college:
Scott Howard: Probably USC. At a small college, I think the whole "My
roommate turned into a werewolf last night" thing would have been a
much bigger deal and word would have spread more quickly. He needed a
big university. Also, he definitely broke up with Boof by Columbus Day
weekend.
Jimmy Chitwood: Indiana. Mortal lock. I'd also go with Purdue for
Flatch, Butler for Merle and maybe a walk-on to the Indiana team by
Buddy.
Kelly Leak: No college for him after it comes out during the
application process that he was really 18 years old in the "Let Them
Play!" game at the Astrodome.
Louden Swain: University of Washington … and he drops out after
four months. You never want to peak when you're 18, and it's not
getting better than pinning Shute three weeks after bagging that hot
25-year-old who moved into your guest room. If he stays in school, I
see him trying to dope his own blood with oxygen cells during his
sophomore wrestling season and getting kicked out, anyway. I do not see
Louden Swain graduating. He's working in an auto body shop in Spokane
right now, and he's definitely bummed out that the Sonics left.
Daniel LaRusso: Probably a smaller school near L.A., like University of
La Verne. He would have needed to be within driving distance of Mr.
Miyagi, especially when their homoerotic tension was on the verge of
boiling over in "Kid III" (as I covered in the 2002 "Karate Kid" trilogy column). Legally, lines couldn't have been crossed until Daniel-San turned 18. And yes, lines were crossed.
Danny Noonan: Princeton. I never liked Danny Noonan
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