compliments of kat:

 

The following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office.

 

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the

smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know

where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full

fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has

left your pants.

 

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and

check

for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back

again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become

suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

 

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing

a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of

embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it

did not happen. If you are standing next to th e farter in the urinal,

pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable

for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

 

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun

pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this

should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left

the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

 

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits

the

water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the

bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

 

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you

have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if

someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that

the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY

FLUSH.

 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud

of

it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with

a

newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for

the

Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

 

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can

least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite

sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

 

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and

tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and

vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this

occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you

will

avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

 

CAMO-COUGH: A phony co ugh that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom

that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to

alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with

an ASTAIRE.

 

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars

that

you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is

occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the

pooper can poop in peace.

 

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet

water.

This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,

create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in

the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough

with an Astaire.

 

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend

extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An

Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as

you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits

you

as well as the other bathroom attendees.