i found the 'ho chi minh' shirt i bought in vietnam last year and changed into it at the gym today...putting it on not only gave me flashbacks to last year, but also to how much things may be different physically and mentally for me....last year, i was coming out the gym wearing sandals, shorts and a tshirt (an assortment of so.east asian beer tshirts that i collected), quite a bit heavier, light hearted and clear headed -- or just purposely and blissfully ignorant....i've always been one to care about appearance but somehow it feels as though things may have gotten out of hand but that couldn't be the only reason to take away the free out of spirit?....worry and consequence, things that take away naivete may have hit me at 25....an unfortunate reality considering i just recently signed up for the Lawrence Chen "popstar bootcamp", and the night that started it all has yet to be documented....(will have to spend some time on that one)....anyways dear dora, you mentioned that i looked jollier and happier when i was bigger and i finally understand what you're talking about, although i wouldn't fully attribute it to the weight.....hmmph...
my tri-month introspection cycle, (i think i'd like to rename it to the self doubt cycle), has been around since i was 16, maybe earlier, i'll say 16 because thats when i remember talking to beebong about things like that...in anycase...since that time i've always felt like i've come across to the public as happy-go-lucky...and for those that are even closer to me....any issues i divulge i would assume only weigh on the generic scale to them....nothing extreme nothing out of the ordinary....but there are some people who have commented on my somewhat transparent personality as befuddling, or others have gone as far to say...i have issues....and as i get older i feel that my instinctual habit of going to great lengths to hide some of my insides may not be working so well....cause? maybe its those same issues that haven't been confronted or dealt with in a helpful way to the point that they've compounded into an annual meltdown....and that annual meltdown blends into a 5 year implosion? so lets just go on the assumption that "i've got angst", (haha..what a title), how do you harness this pang into lyrics?? gawd i've had soo much trouble writing lately...i don't think you have to really confront and fix your problems to write an actual testimony of current feeling but why is it coming out all wrong, and from too many different angles? i wonder if maybe this is too complex for the simple abab scheme of musical poems.....and instead of mimicking axel....maybe give yates a run for his money....it's not that i lack sincerity to unleash vivid depictions but maybe i lack the balls to reliquesh the chest of embarrassing doubts.....and even when i think that being uber long winded i could just write out all this junk in a weird myriad of words and then chisel it down to an anthem....it starts with one line...maybe 2 lines....and then it just STOPS.....ugh!....
"i was too self-centered to cry for other people, too old to cry for myself" - "i consider this to be the third stage of my life" -murakami
anyway, i'm anxious to DRINK tonight....
4 comments:
I dont believe you need to find means to articulate your insides to the public. maybe you just need to find a way to articulate your insides to yourself. introspection is only the first step to self realization ... realize what and who you are and it becomes your sword.. master your sword my friend..
hmm... i'm happier when i'm heavier... and eating. otherwise i'm miserable with my body.
It's strange how being away from home, whether it be business travel or vacay, compells you to do those evals. Maybe it's just me. But being trapped in planes for 14 hours at a time, and keeping your jet-lagged body awake at strange hours in lonely hotel rooms in strange cities forces you to put yourslef back into your head. Years ago, I came on these trips always armed with a moleskin notebook and a bevy of pens, knowing that inspiration would strike, hoping to commit the small details of the non-home existence into palatable phrases... I just don't even try anymore.
I love the murakami quote... norwegian wood? I remember reading it, wanting to remember it... Reminds me of a Kerouac quote from OTR - something like sitting in a motel room, staring out to the west of his future, feeling teh east of his past, and knowing that he is somewhere in between.
Dude - Did Korea up its cool factor or what? THere's a Mr. Chow's here in Apgujeong, and I had a 122USD dinner of cioppino and ceasar at a ridiculously trendy restaurant. Going odwn one of these streets flashes back to the trendy-bits of the city. All the neon signs in one alleyway blaze 'tomo' and 'hard rock cafe' and 'cafe tribeca' and 'nolita grill' - Why travel this far to overpay for what i can overpay for at home? I'm still wioping away bits of bitter for having paid $60 for a bottle of Kendall Jackson 2003 Cab. The wine list came, and I gave the waitress the eyebrow: you've got to be kidding.
I also passed by a reputable hotel by the name of 'BJ Hotel' and had me some giggles.
'Befuddle' is right.
song's in the mail.anyway, hope your grams is doing well.no worries, i'll see you when i see you.we have a lot of catching up to do...there's a pitcher of liquid cocaine with your name on it, bro.
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